Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Grammy McGramsalot

I have seminar tonight. A make up seminar, because our prof loves to travel to conferences (he's a big deal or something). His traveling = cancelled classes = his need to hold "make up" seminars. So, that's what I'm doing from 7-9 tonight.

I'm currently pounding a pot of coffee, as I tend to turn into a pumpkin at around 6 PM. I'm incapable of intelligent thought past 4:30, usually.

I fully expect to say stupid things tonight. It'll be how most people are right when they wake up. Whiny, incoherent... Unfortunate.

Anywho, I thought I should distract myself for a bit, as a way to prep for class. Lately I've been thinking that I should start a list of the hilarious things Gram says, because some people seem to think she won't be around forever (what? ridiculous.).

First, let's cover a few Gram gems from yesteryear. Bear in mind that these stories are not making fun of a senile old woman. She was in complete control of her mind at this point, and actually just lived her life this way. I'll keep posting on this entry as I remember more stories...

1. Christmas of... I want to say 2008, but it may have been '07. We got her a brand new white sweater, and *oh boy* was she excited. She unwraps it and says: "Oh Boy! That's a humdinger!" Er... what? A humdinger? Pardon? My sister and I proceeded to ask her about said sweater for the rest of the day. Okay, you got me, we did this for several days. Everytime we asked her about the sweater, she described it as a humdinger. "How's that new sweater, Gram?" "Oh, it's a humdinger!" "So you like it?" "Sure! It's a humdinger!" "Wait, what is it?" "A humdinger!" etc., etc., ad infinitum. It pretty much never got old.

2. Gram's 90th birthday celebration at a fancy restaurant near home. My family and I are the only ones in the restaurant, as Grams wanted to go to dinner at like 11 am. Or 4:30. Whatever. We were EARLY. Anyway, we're sitting there looking of the menu when Gram exclaims: "$2.50 for a cup of tea?! That'd scare the breeches off a Dutchman!"
You read that correctly. There's a Dutchman wandering around somewhere, sans breeches, because of this expensive tea. Makes perfect sense.

3. On the phone with Gram. She's very excited because her church (the church in which I grew up) recently hired a new minister. He's apparently young and single, and therefore in her mind, he and I are meant to be. Why? "You'd be a perfect pastor's wife. You'd fit in the church like a bullet in a gun!" Oh. Ideal metaphor.

4. Gram on cell phones: "I only have big phones! I don't have one of those little phones you guys all carry around. Whatchamacallit."

5. Various people, at various times, are described as "squealing like stuck pigs!" This is a popular one for NJ politicians. Apparently all they do is run around squealing. Like stuck pigs.

6. Inspirational Gramism: "You got a brain. And it works pretty good, I think."

The next few are from letters from Gram, so they're all from 2011...
7. The end of one: "This isn't a very long letter because I'm only a short person. Lots of love, Grandma"

8. Wisdom: Your dad brought me a new bag of ginger snaps today-thank goodness!  I just threw the last bag in the garbage can- completely empty! Natural ginger naps are a wonderful way to satisfy a disgruntled stomach. I eat 4 after every meal plus a banana for the heart. Even though I gripe, I don't want to die of a stroke just yet."

9. Blow-by-blow: "My writing isn't really this bad, its because I'm holding the pad in thin air while I write. Have put the pad on the table so maybe you can read it better."

10. Describing some of the residents at her nursing home: "mostly they talk Spanish. (Cuban)"

11. This particular letter is in my Aunt's hand writing, and here's how Gram explains that: "Carol is visiting today and I took advantage of her generosity and am letting her write this letter for me. Please note there's nothing wrong with my fingers, I'm just lazy."

12. As for why she never answers the phone when I call: "Carol and Chuck say my phone works just fine but me, that's a whole new story. I can't make the damn thing work. So, let's just stay with letter writing; that's safe with Uncle Sam (he delivers it)."

13. On the line where the date should be: "I don't have any idea what the heck the date is!"

14. Christmas this year: "I hope you guys can find some 100 piece puzzles for me. I'd like to do some farm scenes (children in baskets)." Eh?

That's all I've got for just now :) I love my Gramisms!