Sunday, October 16, 2011

Papa Poetry Doctor

Bachelor #2: Papa Poetry Doctor


Alright, here's story #2 from my online dating adventures. It's markedly less comical than date #1, but it's still a story worth telling.

Background: He's a fifth generation Texan with a drawl, a truck, a deep voice, a 3-year-old daughter, and a 7ish month sentence left on his PhD in British Literature. He specializes in the poetry of Lord Byron. I find that incredibly hot.

God, I'm lame.

Anyway, Doc and I started talking online on Sunday, and within an hour or so we exchanged numbers. He texted me pictures of the leaves on the ground in his backyard because I was complaining about Austin's lack of Fall. It was pretty cute. We texted through his whole shift at work, and then on and off throughout the day on Monday as well. He asked for a date, we figured out what worked, and set it up.

Then we stopped texting. I thought that was weird, no? Maybe it's me.

We met for coffee Wednesday morning. This time, I was the late one. Though, I was in contact with him the whole time, because I was lost. He wasn't awkwardly looking at the lake wondering if his date would ever show. Nay nay, his date was texting him, asking for a building description. His date was blonde. It happens.

Anyway, we chat, he explained engines to me, we talked about teaching, he actually looked like his pictures, he never once asked to suck my blood... all-in-all, the date part went very well!

He walked me to my car (is this a Texas thing?) and asked if I'd be interested in a second date, perhaps somewhere a little fancier. I said yes, and ran home to catch the bus. Within 20 minutes he texted me saying how much he liked me. Success? Could be.

Dracula the Rocket Scientist

So, I've been dating quite a lot here in Texas. Why? Because dating is hilarious. It's not fun- believe you me, nothing about a first date is fun- but no matter what, it's hilarious. Even if it's a good date, there are bound to be some quirky moments. I was just texting with my friend Rebecca about how I can't get into a relationship because then there wouldn't be any more hilarious date stories, and she said "you should start a blog." And I thought, I already have a blog! I just never write in it. But, hilarious dates should make for a hilarious blog post, so here goes.

Bachelor #1: Dracula the rocket scientist

*Bachelor #1 is from Romania. He moved here in the 6th grade, yet still sounds very much like a vampire when he speaks.*

My first date with Dracula took place at sunset on the lake. I had plenty of time to look at said lake while I was waiting for him, as he was approximately (did I say approximately? I meant exactly) eight minutes late. I was five minutes early. My math skills tell me that 8+5=13, so I had 13 minutes to awkwardly divide my stares between the lake and my phone while waiting for him.

Strike one: lack of punctuality.

After he arrived, I noticed he didn't *quite* look like his photos. I'm guessing they're several years old, from a time when he was slightly more fit. Now, he wasn't unfit, just not the ironman participant promised in his photos. Who am I to judge fitness? No one, you're right, however, don't promise me juicehead-like muscles, and then deliver with normal guy man-boobs.

Strike two: misrepresentation

We go in and order our drinks. It's a fairly hoppin' coffee shop, so we had to wait a few minutes before we ordered. These few minutes consisted of him, telling me all about this thing he's inventing. There were a lot of details. When I told him I basically had no idea what he was talking about, he laughed and continued. I'm not an engineer. I don't know anything about anything that you're saying. But this wasn't a huge strike, as I'm chocking it up to nerves. The next strike? We order and he says: "Do I get to pay?"

Strike three: Do you get to pay? Is it an award? Well then, congratulations! Indeed you do GET to buy my $1 iced tea. You win the prize!

We then move to a table down along the water. It's quite the romantic scene. As the sun is setting he awkwardly stares at my face. Hard. Core. Stares. As in memorizing my features, and not in the cute dramatic-movie-moment kind of way. I must've looked at him strangely because then he says: "I'm trying to figure out how much make up you have on." Now, I do love make up, probably more than your average Jane, but when it comes to my everyday look, there's not all that much make up involved. I love mascara quite a bit, but otherwise I probably wear the same amount or less make up than most face-paintin' women. So I respond, after a pause, with: "...Would you like me to tell you?" And he said YES. YES! He said yes. So I tell him I'm wearing eyeliner, mascara, a little powder, and some blush. What? Why the hell do you want to know that! Friggin' weird.

Strike four: Friggin' weird.

He also felt the need to remind me that he was on his best behavior. He also told me that he had yet to look at my boobs! Well, great job! You're a great date. You're not ogling my assets. I really appreciate it. While we're on this vein, he and I briefly discussed Texas. Because that's where we live. I said one of the first things I did in Austin was I bought myself a pair of sweet cowboy boots. He looks under the table to see them, and I said "Oh I'm not wearing them tonight, these are different boots." Now, the boots in question have a VERY small heel. They're beautiful brown leather, and they go to the knee. They're not slutty. They're quite respectable, I think. Also I had pants on, so I wasn't even rocking the high boot/miniskirt combo. No, my body was fully covered with clothing, unlike my face which was *not* fully covered with make up. He looks at the boots and says: "Oh, you're wearing come fuck me boots."

No. He didn't say that!

Except that he did.

I responded with "Well, I certainly hope that's not the promise they're making, because the chances of that happening are not so good."

Strike five: Rude make up + conservative slutty boots

We briefly discussed how I basically asked him out.

Here's how it went: we'd been talking once a week or so, online. Finally I say to him: "Are you going to ask me out ever? Because I'm getting bored of talking online." He, slightly taken aback, admits he has no idea where to take me on a date. I suggest coffee, he picks a place.

Back to the date itself. He decides he should tell me that he was really never going to ask me out. Apparently a girl like me wouldn't go out with him, and he was perfectly content to just talk online. What? What the hell is that? Lame. Yet strikingly accurate! A girl like me never should've gone out with him.

At the end of the date, I said 15 hail Mary's to keep him from touching me in any way. He asked for a second date, and I said "er... you've got my number!" He also asked if he'd been friend-zoned. Who asks that? You'd have to be a friend to be in the friend zone. You're dead-zoned.

Instead of using my number to ask for date #2,  he decided to send me another message online. In this message, he asked me for a second date idea. So... you choose not to use my phone number, like a normal boy, and instead send me a message asking me to plan the second date.  Uh. No. I respond saying that I'm not interested in a second date but I appreciate his asking. I think that's the end.

But no! He waits around a week, and then sends the following message: "had an epiphany: what are the chances you just wanted to f*ck?"

Yes, you read that correctly. Go ahead, read it again. It's worth a re-read.

I couldn't help myself- instead of just blocking him, like a normal adult, I had to respond. It was just too good! Who thinks to themselves "well, she doesn't want to go on a second date... but maybe sex isn't out of the question!"

No one. Normal people don't think that way. Even Count Chocula knows that things don't work that way. So, I respond saying "Are you asking if that's what I was interested in all along, or are you propositioning me?" And his respond is "a little bit of both."

I have no idea what I did on this date that would make him think I was there for sex. Maybe it was all of the not touching that we did. Not touching *screams* sex.

On opposite day.

The end.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Everything's bigger in Texas

I can't believe it's been 11 weeks since I last posted. 11 weeks! So much has changed. First off, I'm in Austin now. I have a great apartment that my mom and I set up in approximately 24 hours. We're insane.

School is going well. It's very different- the entire vibe is much more positive- and, compared to my NJ-Wisconsin transition, this is smooth sailin'! The professors are relatively clear in their expectations, and as for teaching, I get detailed lesson plans. I'm also taking a music theory pedagogy class, so I'm finally learning about the different fundamentals and harmony texts, while also getting some practice teaching in. I'm currently procrastinating instead of doing my work for that very class...

My procrastination options were blogging or watching the vampire diaries with some Ritter Sport. Obviously I chose blogging.


Healthy day.

Oh Elena, quit feigning shock. It's unbecoming.
Everything is becoming for Damon.
Never fear! I'll probably watch it tonight, once my project's done. It'll help me not do my assignment for Tuesday.

*Ahem.* In other news, I've been reading quite a bit because I take the bus to and from school. I must say, the bus ride allows for a pleasant break! So far I've read Julia's ChocolatesPictures of YouBarefoot: A Novel, and am currently knee-deep in The Owl & Moon Cafe. I highly recommend "Pictures of You"- it was really fantastic. "Julia's Chocolates" was a pleasantly long read with a happy ending. I'm a sucker for a happy ending, even if it does seem like everything is a bit *too* perfect. "Barefoot" was just okay, but I wonder if I would've enjoyed it more as a Summer read. It left a lot unresolved in the end, which may've been the author's attempt to avoid the path of "Julia's Chocolates," but for me it made the whole thing rather unsatisfying. "The Owl & Moon Cafe" is good so far! I'll update you in 11 weeks with my feelings once it's over. (P.S.- Kindle users! You can now get library books on your Kindle... for free! Google that ish. It's worth knowing! I'm getting a library card ASAP.)

Another shift of subject: Fall always makes me homesick. Between having a Fall birthday and missing the East coast colors, it seems like each Fall makes me more nostalgic than the last. At least in Wisconsin the leaves changed! Here it's still 90 degrees every day. Ridiculous! I do like it, though. It does feel like Summer, which is weird, but the low humidity makes the high temperatures bearable. I actually get cold sometimes. 

I'm getting weak.

Pansy.

Fall in Jersey

Fall in Texas.
I just miss the colors!

Since it is a bit cooler, I've started running again. Taking 6 weeks off wasn't the brightest thing I've ever done, but I'm determined to get back into it! I'm starting off with just three runs a week, bright 'n' early on M/W/F mornings. Hopefully I'll stick to it this time, since I do so enjoy my Ritter Sport. 

I've been a cooking fiend this weekend! I keep thinking if I make enough Fall recipes, perhaps Austin will get the hint and decide to cool off. Maybe it IS taking the hint, and that's why the highs have fallen from 104 to 94...

Anywho, yesterday I made Jenna's Curried Butternut and Red Lentil Soup. My grocery store didn't have red lentils, so I used regular ones. I also left out the cayenne and cilantro because... gross. Now, I'm not a big squash person ever... I actually pretty much hate it. But! I thought perhaps with the curry and the lentils, it'd be okay. And you know what? It was. This is a delicious soup. Next time I'll do a bit more curry and a bit less ginger, but otherwise... this is a fantastic soup. It's absolutely hideous, though perhaps that's because I couldn't find red lentils. For real, it's maybe the ugliest thing I've ever made. It basically looks like vomit.

I also made her Carrot Ginger soup, because nothing says Fall like warm orange things. Especially when one of the warm orange things looks like this:

Ahh... pumpkin spice...
But that's neither here nor there. The soup is good. Not great. It's a bit too ginger-y for me. I couldn't eat a big bowl of it, but it's nice on the side or something. Perhaps a healthy dinner would consist of a big salad, a small bowl of this soup, and then 4 servings of Ritter Sport. Well-rounded! Think of the colors.

And thirdly (I know, right?) I made Pumpkin Chili. It sounds weird, but believe you me, this stole the show this weekend. I altered the recipe a bit- I used turkey instead of beef, almost doubled the amount of pumpkin, used two packets of splenda instead of sugar, and I added extra chili powder and a healthy dose of cumin and pepper. Here's the deal: before I added the cumin and pepper, I found the chili to be a bit bland. I highly, highly recommend the cumin. It could be that I just have a *thing* for cumin, (which is completely true, I might marry it) but once I added that it warmed the chili right up and it tasted like home in a bowl. NJ. In a bowl.

I'm sure that sounds appetizing. 

Go make some chili.

Oh, and: